I write about my age a lot. I’ve written about being a 14-year-old freshman in a 4-year-old’s khaki suspender pants. About turning 40, but still acting 14. And about spending the first 3 months of 41 glued to my toilet and breaking bad wind.
Age was still on my mind when I started my 4-week treatment for colitis in early January. I was feeling old and weary. I needed some light at the end of my ulcerated tunnel. So I threw caution to the wind and made it rain on StubHub. Since Super Bowl weekend would coincide with the end of my treatment, I marked that weekend as my coming out of the bathroom party: Keith Urban at The Garden followed by The Chilli Peppers at Barclays Center.
En route to the world’s most famous arena, my father and I stopped at Jersey’s most famous diner. Unbeknownst to me, Tops Diner would soon turn into Tom’s Restaurant.
“I’m  years old. I haven’t outgrown the problems of puberty…I’m already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood.”
Like the show about nothing, I expected a meaningless conversation during our pre-concert meal. I ordered my colitis-friendly chicken blandwich. Dad ordered the hot open roast beef with French fries, extra gravy, and a side order of stent.
Then I made a colossal mistake. I asked my dad for pity. I whined about my colitis and how the doctor decided to extend my treatment indefinitely. I told my dad that I felt old. That’s when I started having dinner with George Costanza.
“Old? How do you think I feel? I got moles on my face.
My skin’s startin’ to sag. My hair’s all wispy. And I have tits.”
“Dad, you’re 74!”
“Yeah, but you don’t get it Shane. Up until a few years ago, I still had it. I mean,
young women would still check me out. But nowadays…”
As a young, mildly attractive waitress passes by without returning dad’s smile…
“You see that shit! I get nothing!”
“Dad, you’re 74!!!”
“Shane, I have tits!!!”
“After seeing my father’s hooters, I threw up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.”
When we reached the Garden, I was still feeling old and I was surprised to see so many young Keith Urban fans. Wasn’t it only yesterday that I felt like a frat boy at Kenny Chesney’s Garden party? Flash forward a few years, and I couldn’t even drink beer. I had to trade in my “keg in the closet” for prune juice in a f**king sippy cup.
“You should have seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.”
When dad failed to get so much as a “look at the cute old man” smile from a female fan, he turned sour for the rest of the night. Every wannabe Urban Cowboy was “a DOOF” in dad’s eyes. Every woman “built like a brick shit house” was a woman he could no longer woo. Sensing dad’s vulnerability, I shifted the focus back to me. I opened up to him about things that make me feel old. Most notably, the current state of my hair.
“These are not scraps. These are the historic remains of a once great society of hair.”
It’s no secret that the Smith men are hair guys. I’ve been obsessed with my hair ever since my wife cited it as THE reason she said yes. And while I’m sure my father was a lot balder than me at 41, I never considered him bald. I mean, nobody has ever done so much with so little.
When we were kids, my brother and I would watch in awe as dad would wake up, enter the bathroom with 72 strands of disheveled hair, and exit the bathroom as Fonzy. “How does he do it?” we’d ask ourselves. Was it a magic comb? Did he buy the comb from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans? (see My Cousin Vinny).
Whatever the case, I’ve been trying to replicate dad’s magic hair trick ever since. My brother Brett came close to replicating it when he joined the Marine Corps. During infantry training, Brett mastered the art of camouflaging his bald spot by shaving his sparse ginger locks tighter than Gerald “Major Dad” McRaney.
Unfortunately, I’ve yet to find the magic beans strong enough to restore my windswept wisps to their Brandon “90210” Walsh heyday. But you can’t say I haven’t tried.
“I was in the pool!!! I was in the pool!!!”
When I was 35, I tried Propecia. For those of you who aren’t medical writers, let me break down Propecia for you:
- Merck boasts that Propecia regrows hair by blocking the formation of DHT.
- After several months, I could only boast that it blocked the formation of boners.
Funnily enough, my brother started taking Propecia around the same time I did. Of course, he was far too proud to share his “frightened little turtle” story with me. He called me one night and used his best Lieutenant Columbo act to break me before he did. Vague statements like “…well, uh, they say it’s not uncommon for, you know…” evolved into a cryptic confession: “I mean, uh, it’s not like I can’t…you know…it’s just, uh, kind of bendy.”
So we said goodbye to Proshrinkage, and I vowed to never sacrifice my vitality for vanity again.
“I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.”
I never gave Rogaine oil or foam much of a chance to regrow hair out of my head. After a few dollops, Rogaine made my heart beat out of my chest. So the last option I considered was Bosley Hair Transplantation. The Bosley commercials were inviting and the whole process sounded like a Sherwood Forest adventure. The doctor steals follicles from the follically-rich areas and gives them to the follically-poor areas. Here’s what they don’t show you in their follically-misleading commercials:
- “Stealing follicles” is Dr. Frankenstein speak for scarring your scalp.
- The hair that “regrows” is about as thick and voluminous as my 8th grade pubes.
Oh, and if you want to maintain your freshly grown pubes, you have to take Propecia for the rest of your life. Thanks Bosley! A lifetime of sex using my freshly boiled “Fusilli Jerry”.
“[Shane] is getting upset!!!”
That’s all it took. My father opened up to me about Father Time and feeling past his prime. So I cheered him up by reminding him that his sons, 30 years his juniors, often feel the same way. We laughed the whole ride home.
I also reminded my dad that there aren’t too many 74-year-olds who still hang out with their sons. I mean, if my dad weren’t so young for his age, we’d drop him off at the Bingo parlor on our way to the show. The truth is, we love hanging out with him. And I’m sure hanging out with us makes him feel young again. Which is why, I think, dad turned into George Costanza that night. When I started talking like an old fart, I think dad started to feel like one. Never again!
“Appearance not important! This is unbelievable. Finally an ideology I can embrace.”
Two nights later, I found myself at a much younger, cooler event. The Chilli Peppers rocked out to a sold-out Barclays Center crowd half their age. My “old age” and bald spot were the furthest things from my mind. In fact, I’ve never felt so young and alive at a concert. And it wasn’t the strong gust of second-hand wind that must’ve blown in from Colorado that gave me such a buzz (and my kids the munchies). It was the opportunity to experience what my father experiences with his 2 sons several times each year. I was the old man, feeling lucky as hell to rock out with his young sons. With any luck, I’ll still be young enough to rock out with them 33 years from now.
The truth is, I’ll never stop trying to look and feel younger. At 41, I’m probably not ready to stop shopping at American Eagle…even if my sons think it’s “getting kind of creepy”. I may never stop searching for that fountain of youthful hair. And the next time I post a picture of myself, I’m sure I’ll still search for a Hair Restoration photo filter between Antique and Sepia. But I will try my best to embrace my advancing age and my ever-expanding bald spot. When all else fails, I’ll follow the example of the youngest 74-year-old man in the world.
I will also hold out hope that my favorite prophet, George Costanza, was on to something when he said:
“Hey believe me, baldness will catch on. When the aliens come, who do you think they’re gonna relate to? Who do you think’s gonna be the first ones getting a tour of the ship?”
I know who…
Me. My brother. My father. And his tits.
7 thoughts on “Vanity Scare: George Costanza’s Guide to Male Pattern Baldness”
Awesome, bro!!! This one made me laugh AND cry. I actually never even notice your bald spot. Your good looks and charm hide it well! Xoxo
I love you for saying that sis. You’re such a good liar. 🙂
Shane, what they don’t tell you about great hair when your young is that it’s fleeting. It’s a deal you sign with the devil. I’ve got thick hair about the consistency of a welcome mat and will probably never have to worry about going bald, but I go to get my hair styled and there is only one type of style to choose is the Mo. And I don’t mean the Mariano Riveira. Ii mean the Mo from the Three Stooges. You can gel it, mouse it, blowdry it, or even grease it to try and get it to stay up but give it a half hour and it is straight down in front of your face. I bet you Curly could style the shit out of his hair before he went bald, but they don’t tell you that he’s the posterboy for great hair. So I hope you enjoyed it while you had it. If they add a checkbox for donating hair on the back of my license I’ll check it and leave you my hair, but Stevie Wonder’s getting my eyes…Dan
Hahaha! Dan, your note made me laugh out loud. I seriously almost cursed you and your “ceding” hairline out in my post. In the event of your untimely demise. I’ll proudly accept your hair…even if it comes with that Kadena pebble that’s still lodged in your head. Thanks for your support man.
I started losing my hair when I was 20. I know that, specifically, because I was working at a summer job when one of my fellow employees came up to me and said, Norm, do you know you’ve got a bald spot? I told him he was nuts. Then he pointed to a spot on my head, just a very miniscule spot where the hair was showing the signs of what was to come. He was right. Still have some, though, over 40 years later. I consider it a moral victory.
Mr. Wallerstein, I noticed mine in my 20s when my wife and I were looking at pictures from my son’s Christening. I asked her…”who’s the guy with the bald spot sitting in our pew.” She didn’t even have to answer the question. Her look gave it away. I’ve been fighting a losing battle to hold on to my hair ever since. I hope there’s a moral victory for me years from now. I might even accept an immoral victory. 🙂